Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Excuse My Rant


How does a mother look her child in the eye, knowing that she is imperfect, suffering in her own skin? I am having a really hard time doing it. For the past 5.5 years I have been searching for help. I have always known that something was just not right...not perfect...not normal. Haha...Is anyone really normal? I look at my friends, family, neighbors...everyone has their issues. No one is living a perfect life.

But lately, all I can think about is...Why? Why, when I have tried to lead a good life, volunteering for charities, devoting my life to improving children's education, degrees in education, pyschology, leadership. Why was my child born with something mis-wired in her brain or a bad chromosome or some genetic crap? Why does she have to suffer? I can't imagine how difficult it is to be her. I know how difficult it is to deal with her...to live with her...to tolerate her. If I could wish it all away, I would and I do on a daily basis. Prayers haven't worked. Tears haven't worked. Wishing hasn't worked. Therapy hasn't worked. Apparently, we are at the last resort. We have reached the end of the line. We have to take that final leap. I don't think I'm ready. I keep picking up the phone and hanging it up before someone on the other end answers. I don't want to hold a prescription in my hand for a five year old child. If she had cancer would I deny her medication? If she were dying would I not help her? Of course not. So, why is this decision such a difficult one?

If you are reading this, you probably know what is happening, but I ask you to say just one more prayer for me and for my daughter. Today, we desperately need it.
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3 comments:

  1. I felt the exact same way when we put Brandan on Focalin. I still feel uneasy even today. I continue to ask myself the same questions and worry about the side effects for the future. There is no rationalization for any of it. Thank you for being so human and showing this distress. More should be like you. Bless your heart and Lily's too. Count one more prayer under your pillow tonight...

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  2. i love you! and am totally praying for you as well. hugs! hugs! and more hugs!

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  3. Oh Shel...I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine what you AND Lily are feeling, but know that I am thinking of you guys and that I support you, am here to listen, and give as many "virtual" hugs as you need.

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